Wordy Wednesday: Uncertainty

I have this thing where I don't like uncertainty. I don't like the unknown (like most humans, I would imagine). I fight against it. Literally, I do everything in my power to know everything which, at the end of the day, just isn't a feasible task.

I've been working with my therapist to become more comfortable living in the gray areas and I like to think I've made a lot of progress. Still, there come times when the anxiety gnaws at me because I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't trust myself and my ability to make decisions which is sort of silly since I've done a pretty good job so far.

I don't trust myself and I don't like change so the thought of my immediate world changing is stressful. More than stressful. It's can't-eat-lunch-I'm-going-to-be-sick stressful (still working with the therapist on that).

To counteract my fear, I try to hold on to the things I do know. I know this blog will continue to be. I know I love my animals and family and they love me. I know the sun will probably rise tomorrow. I know I will always love PSL.

I don't know where I'm going to be living this time next year. I don't know if I'll be at the same job. I don't know if I want those things to stay the same, but I also don't know if I want them to change. I'm a disaster, I know, but hey, I guess that's another thing I know.

New Digs

Me trying to remember if there was one linen closet or two

I am quickly discovering that I am the worst at making decisions. When it's deciding where to eat or what to put on my sandwich, my indecision usually isn't a super big deal because the effects are relatively minimal but now that I'm out in the world making adult decisions, it is ROUGH.

J and I put a deposit down on a place we're renting in June. It has backyard access which is perfect for the dogs and it's in a super convenient place for his school and my work. Sounds great, right? Except the minute I put my deposit down, I started having all of these thoughts like: Was it really big enough? Can we fit everything in it? Will we have enough furniture to fill it? What if it's secretly the worst? What if we end up wishing we had gone for the bigger place? What if the layout is too funky or the kitchen is too light and GAH. I am simultaneously so excited and nervous and second-guessing and looking forward.

Is this a normal thing? I feel like I need a name for this but I've been racking my over-worked brain and I'm just coming up short.

Logically, I know that I picked it for a reason and if it doesn't suit us for whatever reason, we can start the hunt over again in a year. It's not really the biggest decision to make but this is my first post-grad, gainfully-employed person apartment and for some reason, it feels like a really big deal. 

Despite my tendency to overworry about everything, I am still excited. It's going to be nice to not have to drive an hour and a half to work! My car and my sanity are going to be so grateful. In the mean time, I'd love to hear any tips ya'll have for becoming better at decision-making! Because I'm getting the feeling this is going to be one of many.